If I Were King of the World
- I would call myself king even tho I'm a girl. Who's gonna stop me? I'm king of the world.
- Easter Peeps would come pre-staled from the factory so I wouldn't have to wait 3 months after Easter to eat them.
- They would bring back light brown M&Ms. I don't care what anybody says, they don't all taste the same.
- That stupid banner on the top of all About.com pages would be deleted.
- I would set forth a law declaring whomever drinks the last of the milk will have to put water in the jug so there's milk for tomorrow.
- Richard Simmons would be forced out of the closet.
- The IRS would pay interest on your tax refund.
- Anyone who collects welfare money would have to take a pee test to get it since I have to take a pee test to earn the money in the first place.
- Just like there are means in place to prevent frivolous lawsuits, so would there be means to prevent frivolous scientific research (ie study confirms smokers have less discretionary income than non-smokers...well, duh).
- The English language would be rewritten so all words are spelled like they sound. English would be changed to Inglish, finger changed to fingger and so on.
- This new Inglish would be the universal language. Children of all countries would speak it so there would no longer be exotic foreign accents. Consequently, Antonio Banderas would have no career.
- There would be no 3 strikes or more for criminals. Two strikes and you’re out.
- People arrested for drunk driving would be charged with attempted murder. Same goes for those who lead police on a high speed chase.
- Childhood criminal records wouldn’t be expunged.
- We would spend more tax money on each student than each criminal instead of the other way around.
- The government would pay for anyone to go to college who wanted. If they stopped attending classes for a period of 5 years without graduating they would have to pay back the grant money.
- If schools budgeted poorly and need to cut classes, geometry and trigonometry would be cut before gym and music.
- All turn style door locks would be universal. Horizontal would be locked and vertical would be unlocked.
- Round bales of hay would be outlawed because the animals don’t get a square meal.
- Minimum wage would be tied to inflation.
- Hollywood would no longer be allowed to make pretty actresses ugly for a part.
- 19 would be the legal drinking age in the US.
- Hot dog buns would be sold in packages of 10 since that what packages of hot dogs are sold in.
- All meat would be kosher. No more hotdogs made of lips and @$$holes.
- Recycling would be available in nearly every city.
- Car makers would be heavily fined for selling lemons.
- More money would be spent on police officers and less on politicians. Actually, since I’m king of the world and supreme ruler, there would be no more need for politicians.
- Age discrimination laws would included discrimination against being too young.
- Two wrongs would make a wrong and two negatives would make a negative.
- Football season would be eliminated. It would be played all year.
- Pace Salsa would be forced to come up with a new ad campaign instead of the, “He’s the one who gets his salsa from New York City…” ads they’ve been using for the last 15 years.
- Bread makers would have to come up with a different way to seal bread packages instead of the twist ties or little clips that just collect at the bottom of the bread drawer. How 'bout a Ziploc baggy? Is that so revolutionary?
- Martin Luther King would have to share his holiday with Rosa Parks, Cesar Chavez and anyone else who advanced civil rights. If George Washington can be lumped together with all the other presidents there’s no reason MLK should get a holiday all to himself.
- Vince Gill would be banned from singing.
- KFC would bring back the Chicken Little
- Honda would be forced to admit the Element is UGLY and they created it because they know ugly is the only way some people can stand out.
- Microsoft and Mozilla would combine forces to create one kick ass Internet browser.
- Idiot fines would be imposed. An example that would draw a fine would be trying to go ice fishing one last time in April and then having to be rescued at great expense to the state when the ice you’re standing on breaks off.
- Every singer would be limited to one Christmas album per career and at least one song would have to be original. Do we really need 5 million versions of Silent Night and White Christmas?
- No more Tom Green movies.
Anything you would add if you were king of the world?
Labels: et cetera
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I agree with no more round bales. :) And no more Tom Green. I thought Richard Simmons had come out? You mean he's still in? And I had forgotten all about light brown m&m's!
Posted by
lisa marie |
March 22, 2008 7:00 PM
Ban teen pop stars too.
Posted by
Frank |
March 23, 2008 2:09 AM
I feel like I should be able to list about 15 of my own things for the list but can't think of any. Sigh.
Posted by
Jessica |
March 25, 2008 8:58 AM
Interesting, I like number 13 that is a wise move!
Posted by
Christina |
March 25, 2008 10:46 AM
I thought of one! If I were king, then e-mail subject lines would have to provide a clue about the actual content of the message.
I don't care about personal e-mail (big deal if it just says "hi" or "funny"), but anything work related should have a decent subject line. I get so sick of subject lines that say, "Question," or merely list the name of another employee or of a client.
At my company, if management sends an e-mail with an employee's name in the subject line, it means they've been fired. If it's from the receptionist, it usually means that the named employee is temporarily without e-mail and/or phone service. I hate that when I finally get fired someone is going to send out an e-mail with my name in the subject line.
Posted by
Jessica |
March 28, 2008 10:20 AM
#6--I think he came out already but not all the way. He mentioned how he had met is partner in one of his exercise video shoots.
#8 --totally agree.
#11--if antonio banderas stopped working then he would be a #8. I do not want to support him in the lifestyle that he's accustomed to.
every month he would argue with the mailman asking him or her why his check is late....'Hola postman, where is me money"?
Posted by
Z. Aguilar |
March 29, 2008 4:43 PM
He could still work, just not as an actor. His only appeal is his fancy foreign accent and without that, no sexy leading man roles.
Posted by
Teriana |
March 30, 2008 11:08 AM